I would have rather had a funeral

A would never ever want to kill anyone. I would never ever want to hurt anyone. I honestly have not or ever want someone to die before their time. I would never want to hurt anyone on purpose or even on accident. So when I say that I believe that it would have been so much easier if I would have had to bury my ex-husband than divorce him I mean it emotionally. I would never honestly want him to die, but the pain that he has caused me and my kids would have never had to happen if the good Lord had just taken him.  We could have had a wonderful memorial. With flowers and a service.  Spoke words over him and said our good byes.  We would visit once a week and than once a month and even though it would have been hard...we would go on living our lives. Fond memories would be spoken and good things would be remembered. But in divorce only the ugly comes out. All the good things are forgotten. You forget that he was a good man once.  That you saw only the good in this man.  That he made your heart pitter patter at one time and that you had vowed to stand by him till you died. In divorce the dream is gone. Not just gone either....shattered, burned, tortured, pieced back together and cried over.  You finally after soul wretching and agony you are able to walk into a new beginning.  Divorce is never easy. It hurts so bad that you go numb just to protect yourself from going insane.  Everything you said through out the marriage is gone over. You wonder what you did and what you should have done.  In my case, and many others out there, there was abuse. He beat me and abused me, cheated on me with many many women, and all while preaching the christian gospel. He ignored our children but retained ownership.  He called me a whore and slapped me, while he was sleeping with the sunday school teacher. I look back and wish I had had the courage to leave him when the kids were younger, but I just couldn't let go of the forever after story. He was my prince charming and I wanted the happily-ever-after ending.
I didn't get it. I wasn't meant to have it in this horror story. I was the one person that made it out to tell the tale.  I was not like other woman that had to hide for years to protect themselves and their children. I was not one of the women that had to bury a child or have them all taken away because they were being abused. I got out...so did my children.Maybe later then we should, but we did get out, and I divorced him and so did some of my kids.  We are survivors.  But would our lives be different if I had left sooner or if he had died and we could have been able to remember only the good things. The torture of divorce has horrible. The torture and humiliation of having a man cheat on you is agony. The emotional and physical abuse was major and I have to walk through the after-effects daily. At this point I have to think that having a funeral and remembering him as a good man and father (even if he wasn't) would have been so much better than going through the hiding, mental abuse,  legal paperwork and agony of divorce. The loss of divorce is so much more than the loss at a funeral.

A note

A couple of years ago I wrote a little note to some people that felt they knew my life so well that they could speak about it.  They wrote me a letter basically telling me I was going to hell. Seriously.  I was hurt at first, but than I decided I should be angry.  They didn't know anything about me. They didn't know about the abuse, they didn't know about the multiple affairs, they didn't know about the rape.   

They didn't know, and because they didn't know they should never ever judge a person until they do know.  We never know the walk a person is walking. We don't know if they were abused as a child or lived a life of wealth and privilege. We don't know if their parents were immigrants with different cultures and they had to walk the boundaries of this world and the old world. When you think about it, none of us have the right to give our opinion without it being asked of us.  So this is what I wrote. It was true then and its true now.

June 12, 2010.
This is for those who think my life sucks and feel the need to remind me of how bad I have it.
Yep, there are things in my life that really really suck.... things that make some people judge and pre-judge. Decisions that I have made that have caused people to feel the need to tell me how to live my life. To those  people I say...clean your own closet and leave mine to me. My decisions are just that - mine!! I might regret those decisions in the future but again those are, and will be, my regrets. I have made decisions that were totally accepted by you and the "righteous" and have regretted those more then any decisions I have ever made. But who can look back on their life and say that they don't regret something in their life. I take full responsibility for my actions and my reactions. If you choose to contact me again in the future make damn sure you ave no regrets or have never made a bad decision in your life. Advise I can accept - but telling me that I am going to hell because of the decisions that I am making and that I need to turn my life around before it is to late does absolutely nothing but piss me off. there is a reason that leaders need to have their "houses" in order before they can lead. So may I offer you a mop and broom?
Also if you choose to beat me over the head with the bible...please make sure you know your bible...because I do and nothing pisses me off more than someone brow beating another with the word of God. god is love and no matter my decisions - God does and will always love me. You might take in consideration how your message sounds to a God that wrote the very words that you are using as a weapon. You and people like you are why those that really believe in God don't go to church. You can make bad decisions and fail at a lot of thing and still have God in your life.
If I have learned anything in the last year I have learned one thing...who really matters...who really cares and when my back is to the wall who I can rely on. they are more what a believer should be than anyone I have ever got to church with. (That doesn't mean that I haven't gone to to church with them.)
I am not ignoring the things that suck, I am not hiding from the issues, I am dealing with them. Just because I am not doing it "your" way does not mean that i am not dealing with them. You are not, and will never be, privy to all dimensions of my life. So please go live your life and let others live theirs.
There are those that feel the need to speak words and rumors. If you believe that you will never be found out...be sure that you will. Your words can be up-lifting or damaging, there is no in-between. So before you open your mouth you might decide how you want to swing that sword.
By now, some of you are wondering "what the hell?" This is not directed to you but to a few that have felt the need to tell me that I have " lost my way." I might have lost my way..OR..I might have just found a different way. Thank God there are those that are willing to travel a different way or we would still be listening to "Godly men" read the bible in Latin and never knowing anything different. "Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words." ~ St. Francis of Assisi.
If you need an explanation of that statement - in layman's terms....live it don't preach it!!
To those that really give a damn there are things in my life that are truly amazing and wonderful and I choose to focus on those things and deal with the sucky things as they come along. This note that I am posting means that I have just had to deal with a few sucky things.

Now back to my amazing and wonderful life.