What does cheating do to you.

So what does cheating do to you? I can't really say from the cheaters point of view, but from the view of being cheated on....well I can say in all honesty....it can really mess you up. Which makes me a full on mess. I stopped counting after eleven different women.  Three of which I considered to be my friends. When I look back at that time I don't consider myself stupid or ignorant, I knew what I was thinking, and right or wrong I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that he was still on the same page that I was. That he wanted forever. I wanted to believe that he had just slipped. He was a man and they make mistakes and I wanted to continue to believe in him and believe in Forever. But by the time number eleven was discovered and his tears of remorse were shed, I was numb. I couldn't believe in something that he himself wasn't believing in. When my marriage ended I didn't mourn the loss of the marriage, I was mourning the loss of my dream. The dream of forever after. The dream that this man was going to be there till death do us part. In a way it was death do us part....the man I had met, loved, married, created babies with, raised babies with, had died, and what I was left with was this man that I didn't know. This hippocrite that said one thing and did another. The jerk that would get so angry that he would leave welts, and bruises all over my body.  I had lost my real husband and now I needed to divorce this other creature. And so I did.
Now its time for the healing. Funny how we all heal in different ways. Funny how sometimes we rely on our faith and beliefs when healing and other times we go the total opposite. I did the latter. I needed to prove that: 1) I was still attractive to other men. and 2) I could allow another man to touch me sexually. The attractive part wasn't to hard. Men my age seem to be attracted to anything that has to breasts that hang above the beltline. But I discovered that I wanted to be attractive to myself. Sounds kind of strange right? But what do you see when you look into the mirror. Do you see a women that has wrinkles or rolls of fat? Or do you see those wrinkles as laugh lines and those rolls of fat as an enhansement of maturity and shape? If I didn't like what I saw in the mirror I could take all the mirrors out of the house or I could change what I saw and how I saw it. You see when someone cheats on you....someone that you put your whole world into. Someone that you have trusted you start to doubt yourself. Your first thoughts after the blinding emotional pain subsides is what is wrong with me. Why did he go to her/him. What did I do to push him away. Maybe I didn't loose the weight of the baby fast enough. Or we don't communicate anymore. The emotional wounds that come don't heal quickly. They bleed and seep which leads to infection. We hold in that pain because we are embarrassed to go to our friends or family and tell them that he cheated on me. So you feel alone. You are hurt and lost and alone and we go to a bad place.
In my case I was lucky enough, at the end, to have a friend that said, "you need help" and pushed and pushed until I got help. Only then did I realize what I had been telling myself. I was worth it. It wasn't my fault that he cheated. There was nothing wrong with me. Once I convinced myself, I started looking in the mirror and found things to really love. I love my hair and my eyes. I love my smile and strange enough I love my body. The stretch marks don't bother me. The scars from my abuse tell me that I survived, not that I was abused. I am not a victim I am a survivor. So I wasn't wanting to be attractive to men...I wanted to be attractive to me and that comes from the inside out....very cliche, but very true.
Number two came soon after number one. I met a man. A very good man. he didn't beat or verbal abuse. He was funny and he made me laugh and when he kisses me for the first time in my life I felt the butterflies that everyone talks about and well I will leave the rest....maybe for another time.
I am not totally healed. I have a long way to go. I have huge trust issues and sometimes wonder if I will ever be right...other days I feel almost normal. But then again normal is just a setting on a dryer.

Three kinds of dating.

Life after divorce. What does it look like? When do you get a new life? When is it proper?
Well in my honest opinion, screw what is proper! You will know when you are ready. Don't let someone that has never been divorced tell you that "you just need to get back on that horse" No, you don't have to get onto any horse, or maybe you can get on more than one horse...if you know what I mean.
So this is what I have found. There are three kinds of dating. I will explain this in a moment but I must also post a disclaimer. I am not a Doctor, or a Psychologist. I have no real medical theories and I don't claim too. I also do not give out advise I state my opinions and my thoughts from experience. So  please don't take what I say as gospel. So that being said lets get down to the three kinds of dating.
1) If there are levels of dating this is the lowest. This is the kind of dating where you go out to meet a guy, or girl, just to get a piece of ass. Now ladies, you have needs. Needs that an adult toy will not fulfill. Sometimes you just want a warm body to knock boots with. Now I am not judging, hell I would be the last one to judge, but this is not going to be as satisfying as you might think unless you are paying for it.  You can not tell how good a guy is going to be by sizing up his Wranglers. Some take 8 seconds as a serious goal to focus on and get too, others could rub a hole in a steal pipe before they get to the top. So be careful who comes home with you if you are wanting a little g-spot action. That doesn't mean you can't get lucky and someone must be getting something because there are a lot of girls out there hoping bars and going home with a midnight cowboy. There are benefits, if you do get lucky, there are no strings and no attachments and you won't feel bad if he doesn't call you the next day. You just needed to get a bit of release so that you can think straight. I think this is why a lot of us sleep with our ex's after the divorce. We need the release, but end up in that emotional roller-coaster again.  But Toys are available and there is no shame in purchasing a vibrator. Just tell your mom its a shoulder massager.
2) You need a friend kind of date. You need someone of the opposite sex that will take you out to the movies, dinner, dancing, hiking, biking or anything that just gets you out of the house and into public interactions. Often times we are working our butts off, and we need to not forget that we need some fun. The fact is that we are not meant to be alone but we don't want to feel pressured. Gay guys are great for this. Especially gay guys just getting out of a relationship. Nothing say friendship when you guys can go on a hike, have a good cry and eat ice cream like a broken hearted straight girl and a broken hearted gay guy. I speak from experience...every girl needs a gay guy.
Now this guy friend does not have to be gay. He can be straight but he CANNOT be married. Your guy friend that is married is not a safe guy friend when you are not married. And the guy friends wife won't think so either. Church divorce groups are pretty good for things like this, but this can get a bit hairy especially if the guy is needing a stress breaker. So I suggest finding a gay friend...really! They make the best shopping companions too. For those that find offense to this, straight or gay...sorry I have two gay friends and they are the best "girl-guy friends I have ever had....and they will tell you they love to shop too.
3) The finding a new guy date. This is the most dangerous date. If you are not ready, these guys can be dangerous to your self-esteem and confidence. They wine and dine you and love you both inside and outside the bed and then when you think its time to pick out new china they are gone....not always, but this can and has happened. Be careful, very careful when this kind of guy happens. Make sure you are ready and not want to replace. What is your reasoning, do you want this guy or need this guy. Can you live without him. In my opinion a guy is suppose to compliment you as a partner. He is not going to change your mind about your dreams and goals. He is going to support your dreams and goals and his dreams and goals should be just as important to him and you should be supporting his life decisions. There is a place for each of you in each others life. If this isn't the idea, you might find someone that you want.....not someone that you need.
Soooo, now I have given my two-cents on dating. As I said before, this is not gospel, this is just one woman's random thoughts and experiences.

I would have rather had a funeral

A would never ever want to kill anyone. I would never ever want to hurt anyone. I honestly have not or ever want someone to die before their time. I would never want to hurt anyone on purpose or even on accident. So when I say that I believe that it would have been so much easier if I would have had to bury my ex-husband than divorce him I mean it emotionally. I would never honestly want him to die, but the pain that he has caused me and my kids would have never had to happen if the good Lord had just taken him.  We could have had a wonderful memorial. With flowers and a service.  Spoke words over him and said our good byes.  We would visit once a week and than once a month and even though it would have been hard...we would go on living our lives. Fond memories would be spoken and good things would be remembered. But in divorce only the ugly comes out. All the good things are forgotten. You forget that he was a good man once.  That you saw only the good in this man.  That he made your heart pitter patter at one time and that you had vowed to stand by him till you died. In divorce the dream is gone. Not just gone either....shattered, burned, tortured, pieced back together and cried over.  You finally after soul wretching and agony you are able to walk into a new beginning.  Divorce is never easy. It hurts so bad that you go numb just to protect yourself from going insane.  Everything you said through out the marriage is gone over. You wonder what you did and what you should have done.  In my case, and many others out there, there was abuse. He beat me and abused me, cheated on me with many many women, and all while preaching the christian gospel. He ignored our children but retained ownership.  He called me a whore and slapped me, while he was sleeping with the sunday school teacher. I look back and wish I had had the courage to leave him when the kids were younger, but I just couldn't let go of the forever after story. He was my prince charming and I wanted the happily-ever-after ending.
I didn't get it. I wasn't meant to have it in this horror story. I was the one person that made it out to tell the tale.  I was not like other woman that had to hide for years to protect themselves and their children. I was not one of the women that had to bury a child or have them all taken away because they were being abused. I got out...so did my children.Maybe later then we should, but we did get out, and I divorced him and so did some of my kids.  We are survivors.  But would our lives be different if I had left sooner or if he had died and we could have been able to remember only the good things. The torture of divorce has horrible. The torture and humiliation of having a man cheat on you is agony. The emotional and physical abuse was major and I have to walk through the after-effects daily. At this point I have to think that having a funeral and remembering him as a good man and father (even if he wasn't) would have been so much better than going through the hiding, mental abuse,  legal paperwork and agony of divorce. The loss of divorce is so much more than the loss at a funeral.

Thoughts on Marriage

I have lots of thoughts on marriage. Surprisingly some of them are pretty good. My marriage sucked! Wow, was that to blunt? It wasn't all bad, just most of it. I got four wonderful children. They are my pride and joy and I have come to believe that if I were to do it over I would have just used a sperm donor.  Ouch! That says a lot about the person I chose to be the father of my children. But that is a whole other subject.
My first thoughts on marriage right now as I sit here are;  "Don't do it!" It means nothing anymore. Its a piece of paper. We have very few examples of good marriages. My parents have been married for 43 years. My ex-in-laws for 44 years. They have happy marriages. They have learned to compromise and compliment each other. They have differences of oppinions and thats ok. I give them kudo's. I would have followed their example if I had chosen a partner that was more like them and less like Satan.
The example for people like my parents were people like their parents. When you married 50 years ago you were married until death. There was no such thing as divorce. If someone did divorce is was for some horrible reason such as abuse or the spouse commited some horrible crime.  Those that divorced were almost untouchable. It was just un-heard of.  Then divorce became more acceptable to the point we have Hollywood stars that count their wedded bliss in days...not years. Please that last longer than 15 years are celebrated as a rarity.  Divorce is not a stigma, but almost a right.
So if you want to avoid divorce then avoid marriage.
Woman no longer need to get married like in the days of old. Way back when....about 50 years ago, if a woman didn't get married she was supported by her father or brother or a sisters husband. She was an old-maid and something was seriously wrong with her...like maybe she was ugly.
Now, with plastic surgery and weight-loss no woman has to be ugly....just kidding. Woman, do not need a man to define them. They can have careers and lives free of men and the crap they bring into a womans life.

Now don't get me wrong. I am in no way a man hater. (And if anyone has a right to be a man hater I do) I love men. I love a good man. I love that they are tall and hansome and sweet and kind.Some are short and round with deep voices. Athletic or Geeky they can all be wonderful.  I love that they bring flowers and romance and make your heart pitter-patter. I love what a good man can do in the bedrooom...well we will stop there. But men seem to think as soon as they have a ring on your finger all the niceties are over. Then the farting starts and the dirty socks and stinky underware and the demands of laundry and dinner and countless other things that comes with having a man in your life. Very few stay sweet and sensitive. Very few remember to bring flowers home and will fix dinner if you are late. Very few remember to put the seat down after their done.

Now to those that remember that divorce is very prevelent in our society and that we women can do a whole lot on our own, I commend you for working to keep your woman and to keep her happy. Because a man that focus' on his woman, will have a woman that will focus on him. 
For those that think that once they have a ring on their finger and a bun in the oven they don't have to do anything to keep them...well let me remind you all that most women can get more off of welfare, and child-support with out having to fall into the toilet in the middle of the night because you left the seat up. They can have a job, raise kids, and still do a good job, despite what you might think.

Now all this being said. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. I do believe in the fairy-tale. The Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Snow White dream. I believe that every man can be a prince charming and every woman can be the princess that she deserves to be. But both roles take work.
If a woman wants to have a prince charming in her life, well she needs to 1) act like a princess and 2) not settle for anything less than Prince Charming. I believe that if women would just stop settling, more men would rise up to the challenge.

My final thought on marriage.  Don't!  Unless you plan on making it forever.  Forever isn't until he pisses you off or when she gets old and fat. Forever is in sickness and in health.
If you don't plan on forsaking all others...which means sleeping with another woman or man than don't get married. Don't make the committment a huge joke. Because there are some of us that truly believe in forever. We believe in giving our whole hearts. All of our soul and if you don't believe in that...then might I suggest that you just live together.....

Where it all began.

I tripped on the way to the alter....or maybe I just wish I had. If I had I could look back and say that is where is started, at the very beginning. It was an omen or a prophetic sign.
But I didn't. I had a pretty good marriage. Not excellent. We had troubles, but no one walks through life without troubles. I thought we were getting through them pretty well. I can't say that anymore. Two and a half weeks ago, my life took a turn that made me rethink everything I had ever done, and everything I have ever felt. But before we go on from here we need to go back there.

We were young when we met. He was a junior in High School, I was a sophomore. I was one of those girls that did the ugly duckling thing, then over the summer got pretty. Strange to have guys teasing you at the end of one school year and asking you out on dates at the beginning of the next school year.
He was a basketball player. He walked with a swagger. He was smart and funny and even though he could act a bit arrogant he was really kind of shy. He made me smile. My best friend introduced us and we were together from that day forward. I don't have a single teenage memory that doesn't involve him. I don't have a single adult memory that doesn't involve him.

He joined the Army in his senior year. I was planning on joining the Navy. Plans changed when I became pregnant. We married quickly and went to his duty station. Our daughter was born. 14 months later our son was born. 18 months later our second son and 16 months from that our fourth child was born, also a son. Four kids before we were married five years. Maybe that was the beginning of the end.

After the Army we went back to our home state. Back to our families and high school friends. We were different, but still we were the same. Our families had lived in the area all their lives. We had gone to the same schools they had gone to. Our kids were now going to go to the same schools that we had graduated from, even the same teachers were teaching.

We seemed to manage OK. We weren't rich, but we didn't starve. We had a house, family, friends. Life was good.

As our kids grew we decided that city life was not what we wanted...well rather he decided. So we sold our home and packed up the kids and went to live in the country. 600 miles from our family and friends to no jobs, no home and basically the unknown. Again I wonder was that when things started to go down hill?

We had been married 15 years. I remember because that was when I realized that I had been married over half my life. It was amazing to me. I didn't feel old. Well some friends from back home decided to follow us over to the "new country" they were living downstairs in our beautifully finished basement, and the arrangement wasn't going well. (this part is really its own strange story) out of the blue, at least to me, they decided to move out?

The kids were thrilled. The family in parts were good, but as a whole it was not good. The wife was a good friend of mine, but things seemed strained, so when they left I was left feeling confused and a little miffed that they would just up and leave.

Than the bombshell was dropped. Our daughter came home from church to tell me that one of the "Lady's" at church had told her that her father was going to hell for breaking a commandment. I was shocked and quickly explained to her that her father wasn't going to hell. She was 15 at the time, and as teen girls can often be, very dramatic she was crying and telling me the whole nasty bit of gossip that can rip families and communities apart. Her father had committed adultery. I was furious. How could this woman of God tell a child that her father was going to hell for one, but also go on to accuse him of sleeping around.
After calming my daughter down, I quickly went to tell my husband about this awful woman. That this rumor needed to be nipped in the bud.

But when I went to my husband he wasn't angry as I assumed he would be, but rather remorseful and very sad. It seems that the rumor wasn't a rumor, but was a fact.
That this little affair had started back in our home town. When they moved to the the same they continued the affair. My husband said that after the first year that they had lived downstairs he broke it off with her. He knew it was wrong. Her husband found out a year later, but I did not find out for three years.

Was I angry. Oh yes. I was hurt and angry and betrayed. I wanted to hit and scream and yell. But I didn't want to give them that satisfaction. I honestly didn't know what to do. I had four teen and pre-teen kids. They knew because the nasty woman at our church told everyone and their kids over heard and shared with our kids. It was an awful situation that soon got worse.
I yelled at the person that had made the decision to stray from our bed into another bed. I was demoralized. I felt dirty and used. I lashed out with nasty words. I was a real bi*ch. Some would say I was justified, but in my spirit I couldn't be ok with how I had handled the situation. I needed help.

So who do you talk to when the church you go to has become a hot bed of nasty demon possession gossip mongers, your husband is a cheat and a liar, and your best friend is sleeping with him. Well normal people would go get drunk and talk to the bartender. Me I did the not so normal thing. I told my pastor. He was also a good friend, I believed that I could trust him. I was wrong.

One day while my children were out and my husband was at work, he walked into my home and attacked me. He tried to rape me. (this to is a whole different story) Between the shock of that and the shock of my husband and my best friend, I was not mentally stable. I look back and can tell you that I had a nervous break down. If it wasn't for my kids I would probably have walked out the front door and disappeared. But I didn't and if it wasn't for them and a good healthy dose of faith I would have found a way to end my marriage quickly and forever. In retrospect maybe I should have. But I just couldn't see myself doing anything else and honestly I don't know if I even saw myself at all during that time.

10 months later I told my husband what happened with the pastor. I told him because we had found out that he had raped or attempted to rape three other woman. None of them would come forward. Together my husband and I went to the sheriff. Who took my report and than took the pastors statement gave it to the local prosecutor who said he didn't have time to do anything about it. It was my word against his. He went free and I was treated like a harlot. To give my husband credit, he wanted to kill the bastard. But I didn't want him in jail and I didn't feel the pastor was worth the effort. I just wanted to get on with my life. So, I set about repairing my marriage. I forgave my husband. I forgave the best friend. I have even seen her from time to time. She is a very sad person. She has issues with her own children and some control issues with the husband that I just won't get in to. Lets just say she is one messed up person.

Over the last 7 years lots has happened. All four of our children grew up. Our daughter is married with two children. Our oldest son married, joined the Army and went to Afghanistan. They are just now having their third child. Our second son is also a father and will be marrying the mother next month, there baby is due in November. Our youngest is 18 and has his whole life planned out. He plans on becoming a welder and going to Alaska. The only problem with this plan, he wasn't figuring a girl would be involved. Yet another story not yet told. I decided that I wanted to become a doctor. I have down graded that dream to Physician's Assistant and will be studying Naturalpathics when I complete PA school. So what has derailed me? What has popped the balloon called my life...I will save that for the next installment.